Old B*tches Still Bark A homage to Joan Crawford

A beautiful woman begins to walk up the stairs. She turns around and says “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night!” I turned to my mother and said: “Who is that woman?” “Bette Davis” she replied. “The First Lady of Hollywood.”  From that moment on I was an official fan.

I’d never really been a “fan” before. Grabbing my laptop, I began my journey into official fandom. As I was eagerly reading about Bette, a name kept appearing. Naturally, I wanted to see who this woman was and how she was related to my new desktop wallpaper.

The first thing I noticed, was her imposing eyebrows. Thick, dark, and permanently raised in an almost mocking way.  Having been the first “Queen of Hollywood” and “Box Office Poison” in the space of a year, It turned out she was Bette’s nemesis and the other half of an infamous rivalry that would continue, even longer than the women themselves. Her name was Joan Crawford.

I made it a point to hate her instantly. Less talent, less grace, and a lot less Oscar nominations. I began my research and found myself becoming somewhat drawn to her. By no means did I like the woman, but there was just something about her. There was only one conclusion I could come to about Miss Crawford….what a brilliant bitch.

A powerful, unyielding woman with a prolific career, Joan Crawford influenced many young actresses. In fact, controlling and manipulating were talents of hers. If the world’s a stage, you wouldn’t want to play against Joan. Trust me. With a slightly unnerving sweetness and magnificent strategy, she got what she want, when she wanted it. Here’s how to crush em like Joan.

Don’t wait for someone to value you. Make yourself invaluable.

Starting her career as a dancer, she then gained a contract with MGM Studios. Becoming impatient with her small roles, Crawford entered high profile dancing contests. With increasing publicity, she received her first significant role. According to Frederica Sagor Mass, a screenwriter at MGM “No one decided to make Joan Crawford a star. Joan Crawford became a star because Joan Crawford decided to become a star.”

Initially acting in silent movies, she made a successful transition to talkies. Known for her rags to riches roles, she gained a vast audience and became one of Hollywood’s most loved actresses. In fact, she was so popular that Life magazine dubbed her “The First Queen of Hollywood.”

If you can’t always have what you want, pay someone to get it for you

With her career sinking faster than the Titanic, Crawford turned her mind to other things: Adopting a child. The law in California excluded her from adoption.  Undeterred Crawford completed the adoption in Nevada, allegedly paying a baby broker.  Over the years she acquired three more children.

Apparently, her parenting skills were not on a par with her acting abilities. According to her eldest daughter Christina, she was an abusive volatile woman, who sent her away to a convent school. The film Mommy Dearest depicts an aging, desperate actress with an alcohol addiction. Upon seeing the movie, friends disputed Cristina’s depiction of her mother, saying it could not be further from the truth.

There’s no doubt that Crawford has issues. Covering her furniture with plastic cushions and incessant cleaning suggests she suffered from OCD. A scene from Mommy Dearest shows the young Cristina being made to scrub a bathroom floor in the middle of the night.

Now while fact may have been embellished into a profitable fiction, there’s no doubt that there were issues between Crawford and her two eldest children. Disinheriting two children from her will for “reasons well known to them” suggests there was a conflict. Was Joan Crawford a cold, uncaring mother that used her children for publicity? Alternatively, was she a loving mother, envied by a daughter who sought fame and fortune?

If the grass ain’t green, move on

Her movies remained profitable, but by the late 1930’s her public popularity was fading. Waning ticket sales and poorly received films caused Crawford to drop to number 17 at the box office. She was dubbed “Box Office Poison,” an accolade no actress wishes to receive.

Crawford’s MGM contract terminated “by mutual consent.” Apparently. However, Joan kept on striding through the maze of Hollywood patriarchy and found herself at Warner Brothers. One Oscar later, her fading career was shining brightly again. After several other films and a second Academy Award nomination, Joan decided she wasn’t the getting the attention she deserved. She left Warner Bros.

Never leave quietly, make a hell of a noise

After marrying Alfred Steele, a Pepsi executive, Crawford offered her talents to the company. Travelling around heavily publicising the company she increased sales, popularity, and promotion for Steele.  Unfortunately, wedded bliss did not last long. Steele passed away after a heart attack, and Crawford was told her services to Pepsi were no longer required.

Having lost her husband, Crawford was not about to lose the money and publicity Pepsi had gained her.  Enlisting the services of columnist Louella Parsons, she told her story. A grief-stricken widow being jilted by the company she had given so much, didn’t exactly give Pepsi a favorable image.

After being given a seat on the board of directors and awarded for her contribution to Pepsi, her plan worked. Once again the determined actress had got what she wanted. In fact, she was also given a “Pally Award” for her significant contributions to the company.

If at first you don’t succeed, make sure the other b*itch doesn’t either.

With old age approaching quickly and beautiful actresses emerging, Joan, like many middle-aged stars, found herself in need of work and money. The opportunity came in the film “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” Her co-star would be long-term rival, Bette Davis.

The film was a commercial success,  Bette Davis was nominated for an Academy Award. If she won, Crawford’s nemesis would be the first actress to win three Oscars. Her co-star didn’t receive the same accolade. The incensed Crawford wasn’t about to let Davis make history though. The cogs in her devious mind began to turn.

Scheming against Davis, Crawford “encouraged” people not to vote for her co-star. She called the other nominated actresses graciously offering to accept the award for them.  On Oscars night, the nominated Bette Davis watched as Joan took to the stage and received Anne Bancroft’s award. It was an event  Davis would never forget. Decades later she recalled how furious she still was.

Being “nice” gets you everywhere.

If Hollywood was Joan Crawford’s kingdom, then her fans were adoring subjects. Growing up in an abusive environment, they gave the devotion and attention she longed for. Writing millions of letters to her fans, she certainly gained their unquestionable loyalty. Crawford understood the importance of public image and attributed her enduring popularity to the public.

When her daughter underwent an operation, Crawford kindly offered to take over her daughter’s role in a soap opera.  In a time before CGI, only the 60-year-old could get away with playing a 28-year-old. The producers of the show were thrilled, and fans eagerly watched as the loving mother appeared in the show. The exposure she received was of course irrelevant. After all, she was doing this for her daughter, wasn’t she?

Go, but make damn sure you’re not forgotten

In 1977 the first “Queen of Hollywood” passed away from a heart attack. Having made 80 films, over a career spanning 45 years, Crawford would leave her mark on Hollywood for years to come.

Respected and feared, she was the epitome of infallible. From strategist to star to legend, the name Joan Crawford is not one that’ll be easy to forget.

Featured Image Credit: Photography by George Hurrell.

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